"I'm Just Sayin' "

“Well you're a nurse so I'm pretty sure you know what a butt crack looks like.”

“Our ‘Peter Pan and the Lost Boys’ syndrome defies rational explanation.”

“What, because you wear tight pants and say darling that makes you mature? I don't think so.”

“You can't say anything because she was almost a sex slave. You can't be mean to a sex slave.”

“Okay, I finally got off my short bus joyride.”

“What is Nuvo?”
“Overpriced liquor.”
“Oh, well in that case, then sign me up!”

“I've just rediscovered my love for Blue Bell Ice Cream. Let the pants un-buttoning begin. I mean, is there some kind of chemical makeup that makes you crave ice cream after a break-up? I would love to be craving carrots right now but that never happens.”

“Red white and blue is so last week.”
“Yeah, America is overrated.”

“I think you’re in a long distance relationship with the city of Chicago.”

“Who wears jean shorts on a date?”
“Someone who you aren't supposed to be going out on a date with.”

"It's a universal truth that the seriousness ratio can never be off kilter in the least bit or somebody's gonna hit the ground running."

“You know how I feel about the Chick-Fil-A cow? Yeah, well it’s the same with people dressed up as Ronald McDonald. Totally creeps me out.”

“He just likes me for my T-N-A. And, what if I were to get breast cancer and I don’t have the “T” anymore? Is he not gonna like me anymore?”

“Oh, praise Jesus its public. I love public facebook.”

"It's one of those annoying post-break-up realities. I think it's just the universe being mean."

“That guy will not stop checking you out.”
“Um, no, do you notice that the score of the game is currently located six inches above my head? THAT is what he is checking out.”