I'm just sayin'

"I have late onset road rage."
"Nice. Meanwhile mine is visceral and immediate."

"Chairs in the pool? Yeah, it's the new black."

"Are you already drinking?"
"Uh, does the Baptist church have a bus?"

"Did you just sleep a little bit on the table?"

"They are wearing summer suits."
"Oh, he doesn't own one of those, he only has a year round suit."

"You gotta feel this way until you don't feel this way anymore. Let it out, kid."

"Okay, there are sweat puddles under my thighs."
"I know, I can feel my sweat dripping down my back."
"NO, I mean, like when I get up it will look like I've been working out in this chair."

"Channel station? Is that like queso cheese?"

"Random aside: I have three crockpots. Two of which are the same size. No idea how that happened. Maybe they multiplied during the move."

"That doesn't even feel good. I mean, it's incredibly uncomfortable."

"Give me the vodka. No, wait, don't give me the vodka. I'm on facebook now."