Better late than never ... (and maybe some from the first week of May tossed in there, too)
"She is on the phone with my senile grandmother who thinks I still live in NYC and work in Fashion. I’m not even going to TRY to explain Social Media to her. God give me strength, I have to talk to her next."
"I think people here think I'm wearing them because I'm such a bad ass. Which is halfway true. The bad ass part, anyway."
"Well, you'll have to look incredibly hot tonight."
"That response, is reason No. 136,897 of why I love you."
"S.A.L.E. It's my favorite four-letter word. After F.R.E.E."
"Well I plan to buy that necklace when I am 97 years old and finally get to walk down the aisle."
"You will be hiring me to style your wedding, right?"
"If I don't elope and you are still alive. Not everyone lives to be 97, you know."
"You need to tell him thank you for showing you exactly what it would be like to date an adolescent pre-menstrual teenage girl."
"You can't grow a beard?"
"Oh no, honey, I can't even grow sideburns."
"How was Quail?"
"Two words. Firefly Vodka."
"Four more. Fun. Hot. Sunday schwasted."
"You want to know how awesome my job is? My boss heard the song Soul Sister for the first time this weekend. It's on repeat today, going on the fifth play right now. Is it too early to want a drink?"
"But he still 'looked like sh*t' which is a plus."
"Liar, liar. Is your butt hot?"
"Well, some would say yes but not because it's on fire."
"Do you do that because your wife isn't around?"
"No, I do that because I'm awesome."
"Is her name Key-money-sign-ha?"
"Did you just #hashtag your ex?"
"For future reference, if someone says 'it was thicker when I started' ... Do not follow that up with 'that's what she said.' "
"If I loved karaoke that much, I'd keep it on the downlow."
"Tell your mom she has good taste."
"I'm not telling her that — she doesn't."
"She's not drinking. She's on detox."
"From last night?"
"No, from all of last week."
"Dinner, sex and a DTR talk that didn't go well. That pretty much sums up my Tuesday night. Not awesome."
"Ha ha ha. Wait, I'm sorry, that is not funny. But when you say it like that it does sound like a bad rom-com."
"Can I drink your beer while I hold it?"
"I'm smart with words but clueless about life."
"I told him I didn't want sparkles in the sheets and to go shower."