"I'm Just Sayin' ..." (March 2010 and it's a long one!)
"I'm painting my nails at my desk. I guess maybe I do suck at my job."
"I've been married a couple of times."
"Define a couple."
"Oh, that's not bad."
"Once was for a day, but that's a different story?"
"You were married for a day? Were you drunk?"
"I'll be your Skinner and Andrew all in one — except I won't look so sickly or like I'm straight out of a Tim Burton film."
"I saw him last night."
"How was it?"
"I made out with another guy right in front of him."
"So that's clearly over."
"I have an issue with white condiments."
"The morbidly obese woman was apparently hiding in my purse while I was at Soul. She climbed out when the truffle fries showed up and didn't leave until just now when we asked for our check."
"Is he cute?"
"Here's the thing....he's not bad looking.... but he's, like ... I don't know."
"I'm out of wine. #pouting"
"I'm downstairs by myself. #wishyouwerehere"
"He reminds me of Dan Humphrey from Gossip Girl."
"You only have five more fingers left. You better get to it."
"Well, since you are staring at them I thought I'd make that clear."
"Then we can't chat. I have to have something to chat about."
"They aren't bad but he definitely could use some invisalign."
"All I wanted when I turned 13 was my neighbors parrot."
"I'm cautiously optimistic that he won't have sleep apnea."
"He was also hammered and had a sweater tied around his waist — straight out of the frat house."
"I knew you should have poked him."
"I die! When was the last time you poked someone?"
"I need you to be my Vegas stylist. I don't want to scream hoochie with my look but I would like to say, 'Why, yes! I would like a free drink!' "
"I effed up the yin yang because every time we're in here that boob walks in."
"Some people's twitter privileges need to revoked."
"Some people abuse it. Others murder it in cold blood."
"I fell down the steps at the Epicentre. ALL the steps. And I now have a bruise the size of a grapefruit on my a**."
"There are so many remarkable (freakish) people we could be discussing (ridiculing) at the airport right now."
"I just made strong eye contact with a grown a** man....totally picking his nose. Like, going for it."
"She just said 'Do you need some pointers? Because I had a pool table instead of a dining room table.' She said that to me."
"It's like talking to a transformer. Not that I've done that, but I can only imagine."
"Some people are like my dog - they have no social skills."
"You were on a step team so don't judge."
"She missed it. She was born and she missed it."
"I appreciate you enjoying the taste of the Rockies."
"I called about the King of Beers but they were all out."
"I love the slight prep look with the popped collar."
"Can you imagine if your boss crashed your date? In an afghan?"
"There was this girl that for a moment I had pity for ... A moment."
"I'm going to un-friend the [redacted] ex now. Thought we were making strides. I shouldn't think."
"Wonder woman my a**. She is more like a hybrid of Chicken Little and Corky from Life Goes On."