“I'm on the way to get a pedicure with a half bottle of champagne in hand. Well, not the bottle literally — I put in a Starbucks coffee to-go cup. Why do I feel like a closet alcoholic all of a sudden?”
“I love a good beach tan. For starters it means I've been at the beach.”
"Me and Kelsey found you a cute boy. Anthony, an MBA from U.N.C. That's all you need to know."
"Some rent-a-cop on a bike tried to take my wine. He clearly doesn't know who he's messing with."
"Three white girls rapping? I couldn't think of a better form of entertainment."
“She told me you had an infection. Is that better?”
"I get distracted by this good looking guy I always see in Starbucks."
“Have you talked to him or do you just stalk him from afar?”
“I had a conversation with [name redacted] about sex that ended with me saying, 'Well you get what you get. Don't pitch a fit.' "
“I need a new pillow.”
“You need a more firm pillow?”
“Well, I need a more firm a lot of things.”
“I just have a huge affinity for hot dogs. I could eat them every day.”
“What was in that shot?”
“Orange vodka, pineapple, a shot of Sprite and peach schnapps.”
“That's Sprite is gonna get me later.”
"I'm a single guy who lives with his brother, sister-in-law, a niece and two nephews. You win."
“You know what's funny?”
“That that only took two seconds.”
“Something with wings just touched me. Big wings.”
“Well, it wasn't a pelican.”
“I'm gonna regret that.”
“I know me sitting like this looks gross but I'm not getting any sun between my legs so I have to.”
“Let's face it - your connection to booty is through me.”
“Talk about loose screws? I might have a few but he has a lot!”
“All I know is I had chocolate covered bacon.”
“I had chocolate covered life.”
“Let me get a little more drunk.”
“Don't you have Catholics in the States?”
“Yeah but they're not that Catholic.”
“Anything goes in the Big Apple, baby. Just trying to avoid big wind gusts on the subway...”
“I love being pimped, especially when you're the p-i-m-p in question.”
"Some people like Facebook, others like fireworks.”
“If you just took your pants off then you'd fit right in.”
“I'm trying to become more domestic in case anyone wants to marry me or so I can feed my children one day.”
“What is that in my pants?”
“Oh that's a fun game.”
“So you're saying she's seen a lot of ‘kitties.’ ”
“Are you blogging about me? 'Cause people would read it. I am Googleable.”
“No ma’am. I'm as single as the number one.”